Out in the Wild (Where the Right Problems Sharpen You): Why Jealousy Isn't the Issue

How High Self-Worth Relationships View Freedom as Foreplay, External Threats as Internal Proof, & Choice as Preferable to Control

Every option… & they still pick each other.

Was talking to a friend about the concept of jealousy recently. It’s very cliché & even endearing when your girl starts feeling insecure or acting out because she feels jealous over what competes for your time & attention… whether that’s work or other women. It’s a very male coded experience. Unfortunately, it’s also been mine.

My heart goes out to the ex I dated with whom this was part of why we didn’t last. Because once you find me, you've probably been dealing with the exact opposite type of problem in women vs the ones I come with. What's ironic is both you & this type of woman, spend a lot of time fantasizing about not having the problem... But here’s the truth. Whether y’all realize it or not, there is no such thing as a problem-free situation. All you can do in life is level up problems, or exchange one type of problem for another. Every [thing] has its corresponding issues.

For a guy dating me: instead of a girl acting out because she feels jealous over external threats to your relationship (aka competitors for your time/attention, like your work, guy time or other women), you get a girl who's suspiciously okay with all that... In fact, I even seem to LIKE it.

Here’s where we either grow together or grow apart, based on the self worth &/or IQ gap… We don’t have to go toe to toe on those things, but the bigger the gap is, the bigger issue this becomes.

It's one of those friction points where you either take it as a sign I’m a detached psychopath maneater who will break your heart, & you let fear dictate how you move forward from that part in the storyline… leading to self sabotage & then trying to return to “the one that got away” (me) later once I’ve already gotten over you. OR you decide to address the issue with me… which involves the risk of getting to know each other more & on a deeper level. It also puts you face to face with your level of self worth.

Trust issues are a very mishandled thing… Everyone has trust issues from past experiences. How you think about those really matters. In my brain: there is no risk free decision when it comes to the choice to trust someone new. We can wrestle with it all we want, no one is perfect from beginning to end, but we have to stay aligned with + live by our choices. You either risk trusting something new, or you mitigate risk by going back to what makes you comfortable. Either way, you need to make that choice like you mean it. & you need to let connections develop trust & intimacy.

Cuz what’s really happening in my eyes, is both me & this other type of women come with problems… You’re not really escaping problems when you make your choice. You’re lacking clarity around what type of problems you want to deal with.

With me, I prefer the natural competition I have with your work for your attention. I prefer the natural competition I have with other women for your attention if we’re out at a party & not by each other’s side when she comes up to flirt with you. No matter how uncomfy the first-order effect of that is for my feelings, the bigger reality being highlighted is: you are on a mission you prioritize, & you have market value. I can feel upset all I want in response to these things, those signals will always be worth more to me… Both of those things are ATTRACTIVE.

I’m also on my own mission, have my own interests, am generally attractive to the opposite sex & have a strong sense of self that enjoys doing her own thing… since I have my own self fulfillment sources, I can use that time apart to fulfill myself & miss you. & I invite you to view it that way too. If we never have time apart to miss each other, we start to drift way too far into the comfort zone & nuke desire/attraction. I’m always meta aware of what’s happening outside my feelings & I can’t help but offer that additional narrative to the relationships I’m in… but not everyone wants to see them.

When you’re with someone on a mission, who has their own interests & friends, who’s attractive to the opposite sex… you don’t get to decide you’re the only one in the world they have this effect on. (Unless you’re looking for the kind of relationship where you both stay locked away in an ivory tower with zero external forces &. no mission, in which case, we are not a good fit lol.)

I’m under zero illusions about this about you, & I require the same.

The free spirit bar sounds way too woo woo for practical minds, but that’s fair. Cuz most versions of “don’t need no man” are NOT authentic… They come from these antagonistic boss bitch types who try to act masculine but, in reality, rely heavily on reactions from men to feel good about themselves. They just try to pass it off like they don’t care what men think, & they don’t even do a good job of pretending. They have a shit ton of emotional need & no genuinely strong sense of self. They give you shit if you try to be a man with them, but they also need you to be a man. There’s no winning with them. They’re immature & trying to polarize the dynamic with her is an uphill battle. It’s need with an attitude problem. Hyper-masculine women, no integration.

The other side of that same coin: chicks who are ALL need, & zero sense of self. Hyper-feminine women, no integration. The trad virgin types you see guys claim they want all over the internet, but in reality, these types bore them. She’s extremely needy & has no sense of self or substance, but she’s an easy target for a man’s domination. She’s eager as fck to submit… The guys who want this don’t want meaningful or deep connections with a woman, or they do want it & aren’t ready to develop it. They want easy. & if we’re being super honest, many relationships can survive this basic bitch style of dynamic without anyone getting bored. She finds all the meaning she needs in that role, & he finds all the male identity validation he needs in his roles both in + outside the relationship. He outsources his need for substance, it doesn’t happen through a deep connection with her.

Both these types of chicks train men to read jealousy as a sign of care… so genuinely independent, genuinely high-self-worth women are a totally new flavor of experience. If she has a strong sense of self, has gotten used to focusing on herself, & has her own sources of fulfillment through which she loves her own life, it can feel like you’re out of your element even if there’s potential here… because tbh, man, you are. Lol.

Of course you’re going to want to make it clear this girl is a priority to you if you’re interested, but you’re not going to achieve that reciprocated by her if you handle her like you handle those types. If she’s genuinely independent, but more on the masculine side & doesn’t know how to get in touch with her femininity, you’re not only gonna have to put extra work into polarizing the dynamic… you’re gonna have to accept that you like a chick who struggles with being feminine. She struggles with her feminine side, with or without you. That’s just the nature of the situation you’re looking at collab-ing with. So face that. Face that as being a separate element to you, because it is. Every connection is a venn diagram, & you can’t have clarity on the overlap between you if you don’t have clarity on what exists outside you. It’s gonna take more work to get chicks like that to explore integrating, but these are some of the best types of chicks I’ve ever befriended. They didn’t usually have a lot of feminine figures growing up, maybe a bunch of brothers or a heavy tomboy phase or whatever. They focus a lot on themselves & they’re legitimately strong. But I’ve watched them open up to exploring that feminine side more plenty of times to know it’s real.

There’s also integrated women. They’re not all antagonistic bs, they’re not all Yin no Yang, & they’re not lacking Yin. They’re co-creators. This really trips guys up, lol. Most guys think they want something until they’re toe to toe with the reality of what they can handle. It’s easier to create polarity with mature, integrated chicks than it is with the other three types, but these connections are going to be reflecting a lot back to each of you about what you come with… no one is perfect. This is where men learn having game isn’t limited to getting laid or building attraction. This is where you learn to use game to build a trusting, equally yoked connection.

Circling all the way back to where we started about jealousy, I personally think it's healthy for connections to get tested by external forces... The truth doesn’t need to be defended, you know?… It is what it is, beyond how anyone looks at it or how anyone involved feels about it.

To me, it would be evil to get in the way of a man I’m dating’s need to remind himself: YOU have a mission & options too… & if not, I’m probably not into you.

Women tend to think "a man with options" is the same as "a man who will always choose to exploit his ability to fck another woman"... No. That’s not the voice of logic. That’s the voice of emotion (fear, insecurity)... This isn’t a matter of options anywhere near as much as it’s a matter of CHOICE. If a man doesn't have literal or figurative options, what does that say about his value?… If he’s “low value”, he doesn't really have a choice. & if a man with options doesn't have integrity behind his choices, it's better for everyone to find that out asap rocky imo… & that involves risk.

Women conflating this is a failure to discern between appeal & character… This is why you always hear bout chicks trying to micromanage his messages & social media likes. Or being the reason a man doesn’t pursue his dreams… At its root, it’s just a fearful pursuit of control over his attention & desire. It’s also being the culprit of your own cause bc you’re doing it in the most anti-attractive way possible. Many women who do this have good intentions but they’re with a weak man who doesn’t know how to achieve both his relationship & his mission. So they both continue letting the association between paying attention to her & feeling micromanaged or held back, grow stronger… Does this make her the sexier, more appealing “option” to pay attention to? Nope!… Does this inspire him to respect her more than his mission? NO.

Ladies… If a man is committed to you & betraying that, that’s true with or without you actively being the culprit of your own cause. You can either focus on that or you can get better. If you focus on getting better, you’re focusing on something entirely within your control: yourSELF. External options shift accordingly… life is always responding to who you are. That response includes his attraction to you. That response includes what level of character YOU find attractive. If he’s lower integrity than you, or doesn’t have the capacity to choose you when he comes across competing offers out in the market… that means it’s easy to steal his attention. Whether that’s your fault or his fault, you should feel viscerally turned off by that… otherwise, you need to find some self respect & self worth. Or you need to qualify better

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This is probably why I kinda get off on the idea of my man out in the wild… my best relationships have been the ones where I’m with someone who gets off on the same thing. We each have a high sense of self worth, & we both appreciate each other’s. We can show up to a party, leave each other’s side & have a great time “flirting” with other people because we’re simply attractive, socially effective humans. We don’t see threats as threats because this is normal. I enjoy being out in the wild too, so I tend to work best with someone who can run with me.

I remember one time at a party with someone I dated. Really smart, charismatic guy. We’re mid beer pong game at a house in Miami, standing on opposite sides of the table. I only knew him & his friend we came with, so everyone else is a stranger to me. My beer pong partner starts very obviously hitting on me… I clocked it. My guy clocked it… & instead of making it weird or resentful, we both responded naturally. I was a little stand-offish, but warm. He recognized I can handle myself… As some time passes, the guy is getting a little more in my space. The guy I’m dating walks calmly around the table to my side, kisses me in front of everyone, then returns back to his side & continues the game without a word. The guy hitting on me instantly got the message. The body language was crystal clear & he backed off me. After the game was over, I peep him trying to impress my man instead lol. It was hot how he handled that to me. It wasn’t about possessiveness or either of us blaming the guy for what he was doing. It was simply shared pride in what we had, & the quiet confidence to know we were both good “out in the wild”.

I’m either turned off by the choices my guy makes out in the wild… (he reveals a lack of taste, a lack of will, or a lack of integrity)… or failed attempts to poach him are reasonable, endearing & flattering to me because something in demand is mine.

I’m not scared of finding out something isn’t really mine, even if it breaks my heart. I’m also not scared of finding out superior competition just beat me. You either have better options than me, or my competition is equally yoked & I’m lucky if you still choose me. In my ideal dynamic, we both feel like the lucky one.

The real question for partners who can’t align with this level of self worth, is rarely about jealousy itself… Jealousy is not inherently a problem. It’s a natural human feeling. The real issue is about identity.

When someone feels uncomfortable recognizing how magnetic you are “out in the wild”… it’s not just about the fear they could lose you. That’s a very real risk. It’s also about the trust they have in their own value. Can they keep you without controlling you?… & is the inability to keep you a them problem, a you problem, or both?

In most psyches, connections feel safest when they’re managed… not chosen freely by both sides in a sort of dance.

But the paradox with high vibrational partnerships like this, is the more you try to control what wants to be free, the less YOU the other side gets… & if they wanted you back, you become the culprit of your own cause. You’re not really protecting the relationship when you do controlling shit, whether you’re a man or a woman. You’re suffocating reality.

In high self worth relationships, both sides know the real power isn’t in limiting each other’s options or access to the world… The real power is knowing, on the truest level, that even with the whole world available to both of you, you still choose each other. In my eyes, that’s the highest quality compliment in any type of partnership. But both sides have to be receptive to it. Neither side can ever take that for granted. & the natural reminders of this will arise if you stay in touch with the wild.

Most people get off on “you have no other options”.

I get off on:

We both have options… what’s it gonna be?