i’m adding this intro at the end. this one ended up being a glimpse into how my creative mind works… emotional, layered. i often start in one scene & land in another entirely, immediately. pulled by flashes of stored memory or externally-catalyzed meaning. my personal “glitch”… the threads i follow to uncover something deeper, every time.
Scene 1: Vibing Out to America
i’m musing this thought below, this morning:
i’m going to australia this summer. i’ve been tempted to let this lease end… turns out to be perfect timing to save money between rentals, since the end date lines up with my departure. i’m tempted to let this place go & be free to indulge my inevitable “i should move here” antics that hit every time i travel abroad…
but it’s hard to forget the existential sigh of relief i feel every time i return to Florida... i credit that as the superior, reliable pattern. & i remember, that’s love.
… when i reach the end of the sentence, i realize what day it is… i think of how romantic this idea is to land on today… America’s birthday. i start thinking about the concept of the American man & braindump this poetic musing next:
after i send that one into the ether, i think about Top Gun Maverick. i always think about that movie on the 4th. it’s in my top 10… i think of one of my all-time favorite movie scenes: the sexy, rebellious, romantic beach scene below. i’ll never forget it making me think, “ugh. this is what America is supposed to be like…” when i first saw it in theaters.
i look up this clip to share in my ever-leapfrogging tangent of inspired antics, & pair it with the caption below before i send another musing into the ether.
this is what American Spirit looks like when it skips therapy, lights a cigarette & skips straight to the golden hour delusions of brotherhood, baddies & bravado that still hits every time. *American Flag emoji*
then i repurpose it in Slack for the team…
the scene hits so hard. after sending it out into the ethers on Twitter & in Slack, it’s almost like i can feel the collective consciousness has watched it & caught a vibe. everyone starts chiming in…
Scene 2: Intuiting Betrayal
not long after i’m vibing in spirited ‘MURICA mode & absent-mindedly firing off some texts, i scroll past a tweet that changes the whole ambiance of my scrolling… it’s from an account i enjoy, but something about it feels subtly sinister. everything in my little world quiets down.
i don’t really know what the tweet’s point is. maybe it’s meant to nurture someone who fears the past watching them... not being fully present in the now they’re writing. either way, it wouldn’t usually stop me. i scroll past ideas i don’t resonate with all the time.
for some reason, this one gets me reflecting on some advice i took from a friend earlier this year… so i spew out a long musing. but tuck it into my tweet drafts for later. heading back to the vibes… then i scroll past another tweet that pulls me deeper into this passing thought.
Lauren — for me — is one of those thinkers you follow who regularly feels like she’s reading your mind… (anon status always makes me skeptical there’s some genius ghostwriter dude behind it living vicariously through minds & identities that aren’t his own. regardless, i love the art. very cool if you’re real, Lauren.)
(Scary how we’ll know these truths less & less as AI ascends in IQ, huh?)
it inspires me to return to the draft, except this time i post it as a quote-retweet. it’s now the one i’ll bake into the rest of this substack post. (many of these start as tweet drafts that get too long before they migrate here.)
i reflect on advice i took about my personal life earlier this year. advice that didn’t sit right, but i trusted it anyway… this friend is way more the destination-oriented thinker in the tweet. & even if this is your first time reading me, you can probably tell i’m way more the exploratory, flexible archetype.
(nuance: i’m more the former in most of my career by nurture, definitely the latter in personal situations by nature. i oscillate between logic & instinct based on the vibe.)
the advice made perfect sense, if you looked at it as being “responsible.” but it didn’t feel like me. it didn’t even feel like the most responsible version of me… it just felt off. i was receptive anyway, & pivoted in a situation i wouldn’t have pivoted in on my own.
i didn’t notice it at the time but i felt quietly, maybe intuitively, shamed… maybe it’s my own problem, but i felt subtly guilty for feeling lucky. for having faith. for not worrying about time… as i reflect on this, i look back at a string of similar situations… & i notice a dangerous pattern. a pattern at the Source… one that always — & i mean every single time — somehow led to trouble or a dead end… i just hadn’t connected the dots. the common denominator was too discreet.
in hindsight, the pattern feels like someone else’s justice.
like the friend was seeking justice through me.
a covert smear campaign vibe with no words. so subtle…
& then i use that lens to look at all the storylines tied to this Source.
the devil in the details is clear.
there’s no dramatic end to this epiphany. just pure acceptance. bc honestly, it’s been cooking for a while & now it feels ripe… reflecting on old experiences when you were at lower levels of consciousness is frighteningly telling of character. who knows or cares if i’m right, maybe they try to ruin my life or already have… if so, i’ll just spin it into another piece of writing about how the digital world is the new hollywood & leave fate up to God lol. that lens has been in rotation for a while now…
crazy how impactful one tiny blindspot can be… & how far its effects can ripple. how moments of certainty that transcend logic’s reputation for safety, can be the most self-protective instruments in the world if you learn to use hindsight as foresight.
the lesson here isn’t to fear your love for humans or learning from others…
the lesson is:
never let your inner guidance system get hijacked or projected on by external forces.
no matter who it is. no matter how much you love or respect them.
intuition always has your back in the craziest ways.
especially when you feel irresponsible for trusting it.
& you always have that choice.
the wrong turns end up purposeful somehow… but maybe only when growth is the driving force of your life & you operate in good faith. which is the opposite of being a covert traitor who recycles their shadow work til the wheels fall off. as much as i wish i could save everyone sometimes… there are things you can only learn by getting it wrong. maybe everything is preparing you to have the back of the good ones. it’s a privilege to find it easy to trust the idea of that... & comforting to know i’ll never have to seek justice through others if i stay aligned with that.
Non-linear After-thoughts
now that you’ve read this peek into how my creative engine actually works… jumps around between scenes, moods & meanings… maybe you can see the interplay between digested experience floating in my subconscious & external sparks i stumble into. catalysts that seem random but ignite exactly what needs to move… the fuel feels like nothing i can describe other than intuition.
from the outside looking in, i get how schizophrenic this might seem.
if you’ve ever watched me write in real time, good luck following the thread lol.
i don’t really know how to explain my process & i don’t know that i need to.
but here’s a shot at it, i guess, if anyone’s been curious… very non-linear.
now off i go to family brunch… lol.
it’s never boring up in here.
Happy Bday, America